Originally posted May 14, 2020
Pregnancy after losing Taya was very long and emotional and scary. In the beginning, I worried something was wrong with the baby. In the middle, I worried something was wrong with the baby that the ultrasounds must have just missed it. At the end, I worried I’d gone all this way and would still lose the baby somehow. By the time I reached the last month, I didn’t know what kind of feelings would come once the baby was born but I did know I was ready to get to the next part. My body had been pregnant for the better part of two years, and it was tired. I longed to reach the NEXT part–to see and hold a healthy baby.
Monday, March 16 I was 39 weeks and two days pregnant. After a spotting episode that freaked me out a few weeks earlier, I had asked my doctor if it was possible to move up my already-scheduled c-section date. This date was the soonest I was allowed, unless I went into labor early.
As much as I willed myself to go into labor, I did not, so Sunday night came around and we excitedly went to bed with bags packed. Neither of us slept very well, and around 4am we called it and rolled out of bed to get ready for our 5am hospital arrival. My mom came over to stay with Connor, and we were off.
It was pretty chilly that morning, and I remember this clearly because as we started walking from the car to the emergency room, I had a coughing fit. Paired with my awful pregnancy gag reflex, I spent about 5 minutes walking around the parking lot and throwing up, and at one point Colin asked me if I couldn’t just do that inside because he was cold.
This was just as hospitals were putting Covid-19 measures in place, so we stopped outside the emergency room entrance and answered the “have you traveled” and “have you had these symptoms” questions before we were sent in and then taken up to labor and delivery. The nurses brought us to a curtained room in triage where I was prepped for the surgery.
My gown was on and we got to listen to Ivy’s heartbeat as she and I were monitored for a bit. It took two nurses and a LOT of poking around to get my IVs placed. Dr. I and the anesthesiologist came in and briefed me, and shortly after we were ready to head to the operating room.
I have had three c-sections now, and by far my least favorite part is the next 15 minutes. Colin wasn’t allowed into the room until I’m on the table and ready to go, so I have to enter by myself to get the spinal and get prepped alone. Each birth I’ve done this alone (although with Connor I had already had the epidural so it was faster), and each time it has been worse. I cried when it was time to do this with Taya, because I knew it meant she was coming out and I had to say goodbye. I remember my doctor asking me that morning if I was crying because of pain or because of feelings.
This time, as soon as I was in the room the tears started flowing. Up until then, my emotions were pretty stable and other than a few quiet tears between Colin and I, I felt mostly happy and excited. Being in the operating room brought back those feelings of Taya’s birth and I was very aware I was alone. The nurse prepping me for the spinal asked how I was doing and I blurted out I was sad about Taya and she let me cry on her while the anesthesiologist worked. After what seemed like a really long time, the spinal was placed and I was on the table. My doctor came in and started his prep, and finally Colin appeared at my side.
I had been nervous about nausea during the c-section. I had a lot of it during Taya’s birth and threw up while on the table during it, and I really didn’t want to do that again. I made sure to be vocal about it anytime I felt slightly nauseous so my meds could be adjusted. I didn’t throw up (thankfully!) and had a few moments when I needed to close my eyes and not move, but overall this was much better in that department.
The nurses were standing by ready for the baby, and the doctors got to work. I couldn’t see anything over the curtain and didn’t feel much other than some tugging, but finally Dr. I told us they were ready to pull her out. Colin got the camera ready and they held her up so he could see. There was a lot of oohing and aahing and her cry was LOUD. SO LOUD. Taya did not make any noise, so to hear the crying and screaming of healthy baby lungs was a huge gift.
I could hear Ivy but I still hadn’t seen her. The nurses had taken her over to warm her up and get her vitals but I could peek at her if I turned my head to the left. My first thought was that she looked so much like Connor! She didn’t have her big sister’s hair at all, but she did have a lot of the same features as her brother. She also has the biggest and cutest dimples! She cried for a while at her super-loud volume and then it was my chance to hold her at last.
We snuggled for a bit and then I started feeling icky again so I handed her to Colin and eventually back to the nurses so she could be assessed again. Ivy Noelle weighed in at 8 pounds 3 ounces and was 21 inches long. She was 100 percent healthy.
After I was closed up we were brought back to our triage room to be monitored for about an hour. Instantly I started to feel the incision and I was in pain. This was the first c-section that I remembered feeling that level of pain so soon. I asked for the good meds and the nurse agreed that I could have them instead of waiting for the spinal to wear off. (I understand they are strict with narcotics but I still don’t understand why they would wait! It hurts!)
Eventually we were moved down to our room on the maternity floor and settled in. Ivy and I were monitored quite frequently the rest of the day but otherwise it was very quiet. Visitors were not allowed in the hospital and the maternity floor was particularly slow the first day we were there, so we had a lot of nurse attention. Shortly after we got in our room we FaceTimed with Connor. He was just tickled to see Ivy and smiled and laughed a lot. He finally revealed to his grandma what Ivy’s name was. He kept it a secret for a long time! I think we told him her name around 24 weeks.
The rest of the day we took turns cuddling with Ivy and texting our friends and family. I pleaded with my nurses to let me order food (because you have to fast before the surgery and I was hungry!) and she agreed to let me if I promised not to get anything greasy. I just wanted some mashed potatoes! Can’t explain it, but that’s what I wanted.
Around 9:30pm Ivy got her first bath. She didn’t really care for it, which didn’t surprise anyone. I was able to get up and walk a few steps around the room, and then we went to bed. The first night was fine, other than being woken up frequently for vitals and to feed Ivy.
I was able to walk to the bathroom in the early morning and get the catheter out, which meant I could take a shower. That was great news for me and I enjoyed it. Day 2 is the worst of the pain, in my opinion, and although I kept on top of my pain meds I felt pretty drained. In addition to that, I had a migraine, so between the baby snuggles and feeding I was really tired. My migraine continued into the night and I felt awful until the second dose of migraine meds finally helped, which was around 3am. The nurses were wonderful, and especially during the night they were on top of taking care of us right on time and checking in often.
Wednesday we were cleared to go home if we wanted, or we could stay another day. With the other kids, the hospital stays had different feels. Staying with Connor in the hospital is such a happy memory for me. Tons of visitors, lots of cuddling, and overall warm fuzzy feelings associated. With Taya, very different feelings. Obviously it was sad and we grieved, but we also felt so much love there, and had worship music playing constantly, and again more visitors. This time, only Colin was allowed in the room with me, and the whole environment was shifted because of the uncertainty in the air about Covid-19. I do feel sad that we missed out on that meaningful part of birth. We opted to go home early so we could be with Connor.
The first few weeks with a newborn are hard. I remember struggling so much when Connor was born and some of the same struggles appeared again with Ivy. But overall, Colin and I are much more confident as parents and things were easier this time around. Coming home with a healthy baby after saying goodbye to my last baby in the hospital has put things in perspective, but not necessarily made things easier.
Being stuck in our house for 8 weeks with basically no visitors and essentially cut off from the world is not how I would have loved this birth and postpartum experience to go. I have appreciated this family time and the extra time with Colin at home so much, but I also grieve that Ivy’s birth will have this Covid-19 cloud over it. Certain aspects of Ivy’s birth and the weeks following that I thought would be healing have just not happened in the way I had hoped or imagined. Not being able to share her with people who have walked alongside us on our journey has been extremely difficult. I’m working on releasing the disappointment for things I cannot control, but for now there is still a twinge of sadness.
Some things from the past 8 weeks that I don’t want to forget:
- Ivy likes to sleep on her side, which makes me laugh because that is how she was situated in my belly for the longest time. She was sideways in there up until very close to the end, which was so uncomfortable!
- She likes a pacifier, but only at night time when she’s really tired.
- She is a very loud sleeper. She grunts a lot.
- When Connor met her for the first time, he was so, so excited. I watched him, through the front window, run to the house as fast as he could. And when he heard her cry the first time he belly-laughed so hard.
- Her favorite place to be is strapped in a baby carrier.
- The first month at home she loved to bounce in the bouncer a ton. She has since decided she doesn’t like it as much.
- She has to have at least one arm out of her swaddle or she will grunt and carry on until she breaks one out.
- Connor loves to greet her with a very aggressive “HI BABY BABY” and then tickle her chin.
- She is a messy eater and there is always milk in her neck.
- She is cuddly and loves her mama the most as of 8 weeks old.