Originally posted May 31, 2019


*This is a personal post. The photos in this post are by Stacie B Photography. She’s awesome and if you don’t hire me, you should hire her.**


This is life.My arms have been empty for six months. My body carries the evidence of the little baby who lived inside for 37 weeks, but it’s not visible to a stranger. My baby bump is gone now, my milk finally dried up. The scar across my belly doesn’t ache anymore–its redness is fading lighter and lighter.


This is life.


My 4-year-old son talks about his sister often, but it almost always catches me off guard. In the line at Starbucks, he tells me we need to bring home milk for our baby. “Taya can drink it when she comes home from heaven.”


Or in the back seat of the car, he stops singing to tell me, “Mom, I miss Taya.”

Candid family photos taken in blooming orchard during spring.

This is life.


I have not been able to answer the “How many kids do you have” question without crying. I am not ashamed to talk about my daughter, and I even WANT to talk about my daughter, but the tears always come.


This is life.


So many babies. Everywhere I look. I’m so, so happy for my friends, my sisters, my brothers; but my heart aches. One day I can handle it, one day I cannot.


This is life.


I have really great friends. Friends who are there for life, through life, through death. I understand what it means to be there for someone. They showed me how.


This is life.


Some days (more days than ever before), I feel almost back to normal. Some days, I feel guilty for feeling okay. Some days, I’m fine and then I’m not. Some days, I’m just not.

Family portrait session among blossoming trees in springtime.

This is life.


I went to the store yesterday and bought baby clothes for my niece. I normally try my hardest to avoid looking at any baby girl items at the store. I swiped through the rack of unicorn onesies and rainbow dresses for a long time. It hurt and it healed. I never had the chance to shop for Taya.


This is life.


My faith has been tested. I know God is real. I know his promises are true, and he makes beautiful things. He’s making all things new.


This is life.


My marriage has been tested. I love my husband more than ever. It has not been easy to suffer together, and yet we needed to suffer together.

Detail shot of embroidered pink blanket with family portrait in orchard background.

This is life.


I wonder what my daughter would be like at this age. What would her giggle sound like? What would her hair look like now? Would Connor be her favorite person?


This is life.


I wonder if I will ever go through the “baby phase” again. I want to. It seems so impossible.


This is life.


Life is different. I am different.


This is life.


I miss my daughter.